 Two girls who spend their time writing because it's just something they love to do. |
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Tay took one look behind her. She was never coming back to him- that was her final decision. Everything with Jensen was his job. He really did not care for her. Jensen never said an ‘I love you’ or ‘I want to be with you forever’. The man never paid attention to what she needed. This time she was not giving him a second chance to make it up to her. Tay loved him so much, yes, but he was doing nothing to stop her. Jensen was just looking out at her from the window, a Corona in his hand. She saw him take another swig from the beer bottle- he was drinking already. Yes, he did not care about her; he only cared about his job. The taxi finally pulled up to their one-story house. While she walked to the little yellow car with her bags in hand she took one look back at the house- it had been one year since they were living together, one long year, and she still never heard an ‘I love you’. Tay plunked her bags in the back seat with her. She climbed in, feeling her heart fall to shreds one more time. The girl waved sadly as the car took off. It just drove after Tay said she wanted to go to the Hilton hotel. He had given her money. Tay would have to use it. Tears blurred her vision as she looked at the floor of the taxicab. Jensen just watched the car drive off. He said some things he should not have, which was nothing. The man recognized that now. But there were so many words that he could not find himself to say. Like the love that swelled up inside his heart until he felt his chambers would burst, all the while wanting to scream to the heavens how much he loved her. But she would never know. A singular tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it off with his beer-bottle free hand. His acoustic guitar was right next to him. The man picked it up and began to play one of Tay’s favorite songs- “You Make Me Smile” by Blue October. And then he played something that he had never even heard of, but he just played and sang the words of his heart. All he things he did not know how to say to her. The “I love you” and the “please stay”. Jensen played until he felt his fingers were going to fall off. Then he sang as he made himself a Philly cheese steak sandwich. He had two months before he went back to the set. Maybe in those two months he could win her back- Jensen shook the thought away. After all the times she left she would never want him back. Tay dropped her things on the floor. She jumped onto the bed and buried her face in the pillow. Why did he not stop her? Why did he not love her? What was so horrible about her that he just let her walk away? If he came to her now, wanting her back… would she be some pretty trophy, or someone he really loved? Jensen always spoke of love to her like something from the heavens. Tay felt bad for leaving, but she felt worse knowing he did not love her as much as she loved him. So there she was, crying into her pillow. That was all she did. Not even when her stomach was roaring with hunger did she move. Tay did not even move once the tears and the crying stopped. Her eyes just stared at the empty space next to her where Jensen should be with his strong arms and his beautiful eyes. Tay groped for him. All she did was mourn for his lost soul. It was Jensen’s fifth beer. The others were strewn across his coffee table- on their sides or standing up. He dropped his fifth beer bottle on the floor next to him. Then he got up, taking some bow legged steps and grabbed the next whole six-pack that was in the fridge. Jensen just sat back down on the chair and opened his beer. His eyes stared off into space while he gulped it down swig after swig after swig. He felt nothing now. All he felt were the tears rolling down his cheeks and the feeling that he was going to throw up any time now. Although he did not care. He just wanted Tay back. He wanted her to hug him, to cuddle him. Jensen wanted someone to show him how much they loved him. But God, if only he knew how to show Tay he loved her. That was what hurt the most. The fact that they were so close and one day she got up and walked away. He was the one that made her walk off. Jensen never said anything because he had no idea how. If only he knew what could have been. Loving her was what he was trying so hard to do. It was the only thing that made sense in his world. It all came back to the words he could not say. Jensen opened his eighth beer. He was going to drink himself to death, but the man did not care at all. Jensen just wanted Tay back- his beautiful Tay. There she used to be at the tip of his fingers and at the tip of his tongue. He had no idea what to do now that she was gone. Jensen knew she was gone for good. And so he opened his ninth beer. The only thing he could hear was the silence from the words he could not say. His hazel eyes kept replaying the scene of her leaving over and over again until the point of his madness. “Tay…” He took another swig from the bottle. Jensen has only had enough beer to be slightly hammered. His hand seemed to raise itself as he looked at the beer and threw it at the wall opposite of where his ass was planted. The bottle shattered into pieces- like his soul and heart were doing now. “What’m I supposed to do?” Jensen asked drunkenly into the air, burying his face in his hands. Tay scrunched her hand into the pillow. Every time her eyes closed she could see him smiling at her. The image burned itself into her brain. All the time- whenever she closed her eyes- he was everywhere to her. Everywhere. And the picture burned itself into her head so that even when she opened her eyes, all she saw was him. Tay could not take it. She knew he was not there. The girl knew he never would be- that he would never care enough. So she turned over and flung her feet of the bed. Padding into the bathroom, she hung over the toilet seat and let everything out. All of it came out of her including food she had eaten earlier and the food she had never put into her mouth. “Jensen…” she mouthed to herself as she rolled over onto her back, now looking at the ceiling of the bathroom. Tay needed him. She needed his love. Maybe the love she had never gotten from him. But even though he did not love her back, she could not get over this sense of security she had when around him, or how much she loved him. Her spirit was tearing itself apart, thread-by-thread, second after second. “Come back…” Tay closed her eyes. Her only desire was to see him. And there he was, as always, just smiling back at her as if nothing had happened. “Jensen…” Her eyes were dry. All the tears that had fallen were crusted on her smooth skin. As she slowly fell asleep, even though all the water was gone from her eyes, her moans could still be clearly heard. They were moans for the love. She moaned for what she thought they head. Tay just needed him. That was all she needed- to know he loved her as much as she loved him. It had been three weeks and two whole days. Neither of them was doing better than the other. Jensen was asleep in his bed. His feet were hanging off the end, dangling above a mess of beer bottles and boxes of pizza. One beer bottle hung languidly from his right hand. Plates of pizza, steak, lasagna and molding bread were lying across the floor, or stacked lazily in the corner of his room with the food on the knotting carpet next to them. Five large boxes of fully eaten pizza were crammed underneath his bed. All the food and dirty plates were attracting mice and flies. Jensen could care less about anything in the world because the only thing on his mind was Tay. The man rolled out of bed. An LED clock next to the bed read 7 PM. He scratched his ass while he looked in the mirror and sighed. There was no reason to ever get out of this bed again unless to ‘relieve himself’ or leave for set in July. This was another time when he had to ‘relieve himself’. Rolling out of bed, he got up and went into the bathroom to take one nice sit on the toilet. Three minutes later, he heard the doorbell ring. For some reason he was not surprised. Maybe he was amazed someone would come knocking at his door, but a person was sure to wonder where he went sooner or later. Zipping up his pants he climbed off the toilet and headed to the door. At first Jensen was not going to answer it. As an alternative he was going to take another six-pack out of the fridge and down it whilst he propped himself up in bed. He was tired of being alone though. Jensen wanted to be with someone, even if his or her name was not ‘Tiffany Dallas’- his Tay. “Who the fuck is it?” he yelled through the wood. Tay turned over again in the bed once her cell phone rang. Her intention was to do everything she could not to answer it. So her arm swept across the nightstand table, knocking it to the floor as she huddled back up in her default fetal position on the bed. To her horror, a voice started yelling out of the phone. Her eyes cracked open again. With a groan, she found it was lying open on the floor. Why should she even bother avoiding anyone? What, was it Jensen asking her to take all her ‘junk’ out of his house? “TAY! GIRL YOU THERE?” Elli’s voice called out of the tinny speakers. Tay reached over the bed and fished for the phone answering with, “WHAT?” As happy as she was to know someone at least sounded worried about her, she was ticked. Not because she was awoken, since she had been conscious for a while, just unable to be mobile from the darkness taking over her broken heart. Her anger was since she had not eaten in those three weeks and two whole days. Instead she had had fun throwing up her stomach into the toilet and groaning in the midst of night because of the pain in her stomach and twinge in her chest. “I’m worried ‘bout yah… haven’ heard from yah ‘n three weeks,” Elli replied apprehensively with a relaxed tongue. “CAN YOU STOP TALKING IN YOUR HICK ACCENT FOR ONE SECOND?” Tay screamed into the phone, immediately feeling sorry. The girl in the room heard her friend gulp at the other end. Her friend hated being teased or yelled at for talking like herself. The girl focused so much on talking like how the people did in her area or to who she was with that the insecurity just grew. So there a girl who was her friend who was just completely emotionally unstable screamed her at for it. Of course Elli understood the best she could, but there was still a little pang where her heart was. Although Elli did not know what the hell was going on, and neither should Tay’s mood be taken out on her. This friend was worried and had called. That was what was important- more important than being here in bed, because someone did care. So Tay blinked and swallowed back her anger and croaked out, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” “Is it Jen?” “Is what Jen?” “Whatever reason you’re in a bad mood,” Elli replied, waiting for a response but there came none. That was when her own heart beat more anxiously than before, since she knew with all her psyche that the two were meant to be together. It was the way their eyes met. How they talked to each other. Neither of them could give up now. She would not let that happen. “You left him again didn’t you? For real this time…” “Yeah,” Tay choked breathlessly on the word. “Where are you?” “Hilton…” “I’ll be right there.” Tay began to cry again. Surprisingly, there were still unshed tears and now it seemed there were coming out from the shock. This had really happened. None of it was a nightmare. And if it were, she wished to God she could wake up. Tay wished so much that she could just open her eyes and be lying next to Jensen. He was her teddy bear. She closed the top of the phone and tossed it onto the nightstand. The handset skidded off the edge of the imitation wood and landed back on the floor next to the other bed, as if it were trying to tell her something. But instead she just climbed down deeper into the blankets and cried into her pillow. Elli quickly got into her car after she got off the phone with Tay. She wished she could go to this therapy session since she had a lot to talk about, but there were so many more important things in life than her. So she slammed the door shut and drove off to the Hilton Hotel. That was where she was needed. Therefore, that is where she was to go. “Dude, haven’t heard from you in a week,” Jared called through the door, a tone of concern in his voice. Jensen reached up and unbolted the door, at first peering through the crack a little and then pulling the door all the way open, “Hey.” The taller man took one look at Jensen and knew the man needed help. He looked worse than hell in a punch and a few kicks. One yellow ankle sock was on Jensen’s left foot while his other was void of cloth. There were light yellow stains on his white tank top around his armpits, his chest, and sides from what smelled like sweat. Tomato and gravy stains were all over his boxers, and also on the tank top; the tomato was from all the pizza while the gravy was from the steak. And the little fat the man had hung languidly over his boxers from too much beer, too much laying in bed, and too much food. “What happened t’you, man? You look like crap.” Jensen looked up at Jared and scoffed. It was as if his co-star expected him to care how the hell he looked. Fuck the fangirls. Fuck the critics. Nothing mattered anymore to him. People should just understand that and leave him alone to have some more beer and time in bed. So Jensen plopped himself down on the cushy recliner. The springs made a groaning squeaky noise under him. He smiled a little at himself; it was kind of a way to tell Jared how stupid he was for letting Tay go. She just left like that. Jensen eyed a half empty beer bottle to the left on the side table. Picking it up between his two fingers he took a swig of the grossly warm beer, though he could not notice less. “Tay left…” Jensen could barely find the words to say so instead he croaked out those two harmful words. “Again?” “For real this time…” Jensen replied, afterwards he took a deep gulp from the beer bottle, wrapping his lusciously plump lips around the rim. Jared sat on the couch, which was diagonal from the recliner. He sunk into the black leather cushions and leaned his head back. A minute later he lifted it back up, as if an idea had careened precariously into his head. Jensen and Jared locked eyes for a minute or two before the taller man grinned, only sparingly, before leaning over and putting his elbows on his spread apart knees. “What?” Jensen asked, poking his stomach and deciding to do some sit-ups to counteract his hangover. Jared just looked at the pathetically let down man and answered with a question, “Does she know you love her?” “I don’t know.” “Dude, how could you not know? This could be the reason she left!” Jared could almost laugh at his best and brother-like friend. Jensen was not abusive. He really had no bad qualities about him except he was lazy except for when he worked out and hated to clean up anything, which always made him lag behind on laundry. Otherwise he was a sweet, kind, chivalrous, funny, handsome and lovable human being. So the bit of insecurity Tay had could very well be why she left. If Jensen showed her in some way, did something romantic for her, and really showed her how much he cared, she would come back. Jensen had never really known how to say ‘I love you’, and because of that it just was not clear to Tay. In fact, it was not evident to Jensen how much he loved the girl until she had left for good. And Jensen just nodded at Jared’s suggestion. It did make sense after all. “Dude, I don’t… I’ve never fucking known how to tell her… to show her. Man, I dunno. I just dunno,” Jensen replied depressingly. He looked hopelessly down at his hands. The man knew he was never here except for when he was not filming. He knew Tay needed him more than he was ever there. She lived in this Vancouver apartment, almost never seeing him. The man came home at three a.m. and went off to work at three p.m. Most of those twelve hours Jensen was not working he would be sleeping, trying to catch up on his rest because of such long hours. He loved Tay so much, but he was never there. Jensen was not around as much as he desired he were or as much as he knew he should be. “I’m never here…. N’ ah’m so sorry for that. N’ ah wish that Tay would see that. ‘Cause mah job is jus’ so demandin’. Ah wish ah was here, ah really do. But ah ain’t and whether tha’s mah fault or not, Ah’m gonna show ‘er that ah love ‘er n’ that ah’m so sorry for never bein’ around.” There was a long silence after that. It was as if Jensen spilled half of his soul at Jared’s feet. It was still simmering. Even now, the fabulous smell of a man revealing his heart was a strong scent in the room. It brushed passed all the candles. The aroma wafted up anyone’s nose, pulling apart the awful threaded stench of beer and rotten food. Jensen had let himself go, that was for sure. Still he loved Tay, and if Tay really did love him back, then she would not care. So the shorter man picked up his acoustic guitar and strummed an F major chord. Then it was F minor. After that he just played whatever came into his head. Jensen struck an E chord. The man plucked at a G-string with his sexily callused fingers. That was when he knew what he was to do. His fingers ended on the seventh and twelfth frets as he played just one smooth power chord on the three highest noted strings. There was a list of songs building themselves up in his head. He was on ten songs now. Jensen knew all the lyrics and he began to hum them to himself. After just a few seconds longer he forgot that Jared was even there. The man just laid his head gently back on the chair and laughed at himself soulfully- he laughed at himself like there was no tomorrow. A grin was now on his face. Irrevocably, he realized how stupid he was. Plucking out one more chord, which was a C this time, he put his guitar back on the stand. Jensen looked up this time. Both men’s hazel eyes met, and they smiled. Their eyes locked for a long time as their mouths were spread in Cheshire cat grins. Jared was the one to open his mouth first. Nothing came out though. He knew Jensen was the one to have to share his idea. This was part of his soul after all. It would be what proved to Tay that she should not worry so much. The songs and his acoustic guitar would be what showed Tay that he did love her, and that her self esteem should not be as low as it was. “Call Elli. Tell her t’ take Tay to the Blue Stone,” Jensen grinned as he went to his bedroom to pull on a clean shirt. Jared just looked up at Jensen with a gleaming smile, “Where’ll you be?” “At the Blue Stone.” Elli was now sitting on Tay’s bed. She was at Tay’s side, like she would always try to be. Already the younger girl could see how much smaller Tay was than usual. It was as if a small stick was lying in the bed instead of a beautiful girl. Tay stenched of vomit and sweat. There were stains across the bedspread and some crusted saliva on her cheek. It made Elli cringe to see her this way. If only she had been there to help her- to hold the girl’s hair back in her time of need. Elli mentally kicked herself before speaking in a slow and smooth voice, “Hey… it’ll be okay… listen, guys are Asses.” “Not him…” Tay shook her head as she struggled to push herself up in the bed. Three weeks like this, and the girl could barely keep her eyes open for more than a second without her eyelids closing and slowly opening again. This made Elli cringe again. She looked away as a tear ran down her cheek, then painfully wiping it away. She looked back at Tay when the friend began talking again in a croakily weak tone, “Not Jensen… It was me… I doesn’t love me!” Elli pursed her lips at her, also furrowing her eyebrows. She looked away again, unable to face Tay. All of this was too much on her heart. If only Elli could just hug Tay and make everything go away- all the pain, and the entire ache. That was not how life worked, though. It sickened Elli to think that there was so much more to do because of how erroneous relationships became. In the end, Elli knew it was all hormones. This belief was to be untold by Elli, because just maybe Tay and Jensen had the same hormones towards each other. Elli was sure of one thing nevertheless Jensen loved Tay back. “And that’s exactly what makes you both idiots…” Elli contemplated before her phone rang inside her back pocket. It vibrated against her butt, leaving the feeling there after the girl pulled out her Treo with difficulty from the small pouch. She pressed the screen with her index finger, putting it up to her ear. Immediately a masculine voice spoke into her ear. Elli was obviously trying to mask something at first, but in the end when she began talking acted as if it were one of her plays, which were always well acted, “Hello? Oh… yes. Thank you so much for reminding me. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Of course I’m happy about this job. Thank you. Thank you so much.” Tay watched Elli hang up. Her friend was being torn away from her, like everything always was. The younger girl looked at her friend. Those amber eyes of her glowed with a sorrowful emotion. Then she shook her head. No, of course Tay was going to come with her. Tay’s cheeks were hollow. Her skin no longer glowed with cheerfulness. Those green eyes looked dull even in this warm sunlight that was flowing through the translucent curtains. Elli nodded and pursed her lips, chin crinkling from the movement. “You’re coming with me,” Elli decided matter of factly. There was no possible way that Elli could leave her friend - her best friend - like this. Tay was too important to leave here. At least that was what she made Tay believe. The truth was Jared had just called her to bring Tay to the Blue Stone. A job interview was just used as a ploy. Elli just tore the blankets off of Tay, and stared down at her emasculated friend. Tay’s frame was no longer curvy, but completely straight with no bust to speak of or believe was once there. Her collarbone seemed to pop out of her chest. This was what had happened when someone does not eat for so long, and throws up more than what they have in their stomach. “My god… Tay, you’re coming with me.” Tay just nodded. It was as if she were too weak to argue back, as she might have thirty minutes ago. Elli could tell that she took intervals of rest to sleep away the hunger and pain that rested deep inside her gut, but Elli knew it was going to be okay now. Everything was going to be all right. And the friend just helped Tay out of the bed and let her lean on Elli since the girl was too weak to stand up on her own. Elli grabbed the cane she had walked in with. It was always used for when her back pain was too much to take, like today, but Tay needed it more than she did. Tay always got everything that Elli could give her, because Tay deserved it. The two girls entered the Blue Stone. Its ice blue sign with the font Impact flickered brightly above their heads. This was the town bar. People sang here, playing away at their instruments no matter whether they were good at it or not. Jensen was good at this. Tay realized that as she looked up at him and realized that he was the one playing. Elli watched her mouth his name under those precious lips of hers that wrinkled with sadness without letting any of the sounds articulate. That was when Tay turned around and tried to leave. “Woah, tiger,” Elli stopped Tay as her friend stumbled. The girl landed in the younger one’s arms. Elli pulled her close and took her over to a table. “Listen… He did this for you, Tay. He loves you. He wanted to show you, but he didn’t know how until now. But now he’s showing you. Please watch this. Watch him tell the world just how much he loves you, because he does. He’s singing for you- to you. Please understand that… I hate to watch you guys hurt like this.” Jensen plucked a few more chords. His heart was completely in the song. Tay looked at him with her large green eyes and melted into the songs. Her heart pounded along with the beat of the strings. He loved her. That was what really mattered in the end- that they both loved each other and that they both knew it because otherwise there was a huge gap inside the heart that would not be able to fill itself. His lips moved so smoothly. Finally Jensen moved onto another beautiful song that completely made Tay’s heart stop. She took a double take. Her eyes looked at the new Jensen that sat up on the stage. Jensen was hers. She knew that now and they would always love each other. So as his mouth sang the beautiful lyrics from ‘Iris’ from the Goo Goo Dolls, Tay’s heart melted. This was for her. All of it was for her. He strummed along so perfectly, perched upon his stool with his acoustic guitar. Elli had named it Lia after Radio Lia since Jensen used to play a lot of southern rock or classic blues rock before he had met Tay. Elli tapped her foot along to the music. She took a glance at Tay and smiled because Jared and Jensen’s plan had worked. It might not have been her own scheme, but it had worked, and that was what had mattered… that Tay knew Jensen cared. So Tay now knew she was not worthless. The song terminated with a few more chords and then Jensen just spoke into the microphone, all of his heart poured out into his words, “Tay, I don’t know where you are. But I hope that now after those songs I sang… After those words I poured out for you… that you know I love you. You got that? D’you hear the words I’m saying? I love you… and I always have.” |